Here’s How to Parent a Toddler

In her new book, pediatrician Rebekah Diamond shares her expertise.

By
Eve Glasberg
October 31, 2024

For those who have survived the first 12 months of parenthood, along with all the attendant joys, worry, and sleep deprivation: Welcome to the toddler years—and a whole new set of challenges.

Eat Sleep Tantrum Repeat, by Rebekah Diamond, a pediatrician and a professor of pediatrics at Columbia University Irving Medical Center, cuts through the chaos of parenting misinformation by providing reasonable, accessible advice that blends common sense with proven science.

From toilet training, picky eating, and napping, to separation anxiety, screen time, and tantrums, toddlerhood brings more developmental milestones and parenting decisions, all of which can feel daunting, especially in this age of mommy bloggers, parenting podcasts, and fear-mongering posts.

As both a mother and a pediatrician, Diamond understands the need for a child-rearing approach that keeps things simple, without sacrificing science or safety. Instead of strict guidelines and overwhelming commands, she offers advice that is medically sound, inclusive, and realistic. There is no single correct way to parent, but Eat Sleep Tantrum Repeat shows moms and dads how to create a way that is right for them and their child.

Diamond discusses the book with Columbia News, along with what she enjoyed reading as a child, and what she enjoys reading with her daughter.

Why this book? Why now?

I’m the proud mother of a 6-year-old and a 9-month-old. But even as a pediatrician, I was overwhelmed when my older daughter was born. I struggled with both the everyday chaos of being an exhausted new parent, and some of the deeper pains of physical recovery, postpartum depression, and anxiety. At every turn, and with each new challenge, I was unable to find a source of guidance and support that didn’t make things more complicated, or give me more anxiety.

I’ve spent years since then trying to make things better for parents who don’t know where to turn for realistic and scientific guidance—on social media, in my first book, Parent Like a Pediatrician, and in my daily clinical work. But even with all this intense preparation and expertise, I found that I didn't really know what to expect as a mom of a toddler until I was already in deep. Like so many parents, I thought that once the hard months of parenting an infant were over, toilet training, tantrums, and maybe a few other small challenges were all that lay ahead. Instead, I found a whole new world of sleep regressions, vaccine appointments, outdoor play and safety, picky eating, childhood sexuality, screen-time battles, and more. 

In Eat Sleep Tantrum Repeat, I’ve curated a comprehensive catalogue of toddler topics so parents will be maximally prepared. And I give guidance on these topics in a way that’s maximally helpful. I’ve ditched the lists of to-dos and to-don’ts, and the essays full of inaccessible psychology found in too many parenting books these days. Ironically, this type of guidance harms more than it helps, making parents think there’s a rigid, one-size-fits-all approach to success, and making them feel like failures when things (reasonably) don’t go well. 

In our current parental mental health crisis, I know how crucial it is to decrease parental anxiety. Instead of strict rules and heaps of context-free data, I keep all the important science, delivered plainly, so that parents know the reasons underlying my balanced framework. I then give tangible guidance and key takeaways—helpful tips without stressful, prescriptive philosophies—showing parents the range of safe, realistic options to choose from. I hope my book will help parents of toddlers learn how to take care of them confidently, relying on instinct to face each challenge.

Eat Sleep Tantrum Repeat by Columbia University Irving Medical Center Professor Rebekah Diamond

What is the key piece of advice you can offer parents of toddlers?

There's so much! But I'd have to start with a central, critical mantra: Your child didn't read the textbook. 

What I mean is that children are their own people, full of wonderful tics and idiosyncrasies that make them who they are. Stringent parenting advice makes it easy to interpret normal deviation as something being wrong with your child—which can lead to guilt and self-blame. I see countless parents incorrectly internalize their child’s unique responses to typical behavior management strategies as signs of parental failure. 

In medicine, when diagnosing conditions that don’t meet strict diagnostic criteria, we love to say that a patient didn’t read the textbook. The truth is that perfect textbook cases are rare. It’s what makes the art of medicine so challenging. And it’s the same for your family. Norms are norms, averages are averages, trends are trends. Your child, on the other hand, is your child. Only you and your kids are experts in their quirks, wants, and needs. You are the best judge of which strategies make sense. No one else, not even the experts—not even me!

How does being a pediatrician affect your advice in this book, and your own parenting?

I view myself as a liaison between the pediatric and parenting worlds, using experience and expertise to share guidance that is as scientific as it is realistic. The official rules from my own pediatric organizations follow science, but are often rigid and unrealistic. Advice only works if parents can actually follow it.

Yet online, unofficial guidance is frequently easier to follow, and designed to lessen new mom guilt. As an overwhelmed parent, I can appreciate the appeal of guilt-free parenting. But as a pediatrician, I know there is unsafe advice being doled out with a healthy dose of big-picture perspective. 

Neither guilt-free guidance nor strict, singular approaches make sense. Parents feel they’re being told either that nothing matters, or that they’re doing things wrong unless they follow a rigid parenting recipe. Eat Sleep Tantrum Repeat offers an alternative by giving parents permission to follow their instincts and the guidance provided by their pediatricians to make choices that are right for them. Instead of prescribing particular rules, I show parents the safe range of options, and instill the confidence necessary to decide what works best for their family.

I also have my own insight as a pediatrician into a crucial, often overlooked truth: Parental health is the most important ingredient for childhood health. We live in a society—especially in the U.S.—that seems to be growing increasingly hostile to parents. In recent years, I’ve seen not only how we fail to give parents the support they need, but how we also convince them that they must choose between their own health and that of their children.

The idea that parent and child health are mutually exclusive—or can even be disconnected—is one of the biggest lies of modern parenting. In almost every situation, declaring your own health and happiness as a priority will lead you to choices that benefit both you and your child. The notion that excess suffering can and should be avoided has revolutionized my advice—and how I parent. It informs everything in my book, and will—I hope—help parents reach the same clarity and confidence that I now have.

What have you read lately that you would recommend, and why?

Piranesi by Susanna Clarke—the best book I’ve read in years. I finished it in a day, and immediately wanted to read it again. It’s a thoughtful, witty, sad, clever novel.

What sort of books did you enjoy as a child?

I was a voracious reader from a very young age, and have fond memories of sitting for hours, reading all sorts of genres and series. The first chapter book I remember was one about Greek mythology. It may even have been Edith Hamilton’s classic edition. I became obsessed with it in elementary school, and can remember staying up late at night to read and re-read my favorite myths. 

What's next on your reading list? 

Edith Hamilton’s Mythology! My older daughter is also a voracious reader. She’s starting to read a lot on her own, but also loves being read to, so our Greek mythology edition is ready for family reading time. It’s magical and almost melancholy for me to mirror my own childhood experience by seeing my daughter take in something that was so formative for me. 

What are you teaching this semester?

As a pediatric hospitalist, my daily clinical work is supervising residents and medical students as they care for children who are admitted to NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital on the medical campus. It's work I truly love, and an amazing opportunity to teach pediatric trainees.

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